New Determination

Today, my friends and me went to the beach at Pantai Irama, Bachok hoping we get to watch the sunrise. Eventhough it was cloudy and we did not get the chance to see it, we had a lot of fun at the beach. Beaches are wonderful to relief stress. Recently, I have been very stressed about my clinical requirements. Only 3 weeks left and I hope I can complete my tasks in time so that I can sit for the examination. I think this is the only school that doesn't allow the students to sit for the exams if they could not complete their requirement. I heard, other schools allow the students to sit for examination regardless their clinical requirement. Later, they will have to finish their unfinish business during remedial session. But not in my school.
No matter what, I won't give up. I'll do my best to complete the requirement. Please pray for my friends and me to be able to sit for the exams this time.

last few weeks before exam

if they won't allow me to take exam this time too, i'd quit dentistry..i had enough of all that shit..i'm not sure whether my parents would agree or not..but because of some people with power who doesn't even give a shit about the hardship i've gone through..maybe i'm not meant to be a dentist anyway..i'm really really tired..and i don't think i could cope with it anymore if they bar me from taking the examination again..i'm letting go..

Happy Malaysia Day!!

Weekend is coming. Today is 16 September which is Malaysia Day. We celebrate Malaysia day in order to commemorate the joining of Sabah and Sarawak of Borneo with Malaya to form Malaysia. Malaysia was established in 1963. As a Malaysian, I love Malaysia. I have been to another country, but there is no place like Malaysia. When I was in other country,I will remember the beautiful sight of Malaysia, the food, the people and most importantly, my family. Malaysia is a safe country with multiracial residents. It is hard to keep a country in which different races interact as though they are the same race. But, you can find it in Malaysia. I know some of media bashes Malaysia as a country which has racial discrimination. This is not true as we share the wealth and prosperity with each other. Well, if you are a Malaysian, you'll know.
We went to see the lecturer that grant us this extension this morning. I did not expect her to say those things she said and it made me so angry that I couldn't look at her face. I don't mind she mentioning about the extension but not that way as though she is not sorry at all for making us stay and trying to make us not to blame her alone. We knew what happened during that meeting. We have our own spies, okay!! We knew she was the one who strongly insisted on making us stay even though the cause of extension did not make any sense and there was some other lecturers who was against her decision. We knew she was just trying to get away from all the awkwardness when she sees us. I have already accepted what happen. So, no need to remind us of how we felt when we knew we were barred from the examination. We just want to move on. Let the past stay in the past. We know what mistake we did but it was definitely not what she thought it was. She was TOTALLY WRONG!! What can we do is just move on. What's done is done. I really thought that she has realized what she did was wrong. But she hasn't. I hope she'll understand what we felt during that moment one day. The prayers of those who are oppressed will be granted.
I am going back home tomorrow. I am elated because I can attend Izzati's wedding. Alhamdulillah. I am really looking forward to go to her wedding.
There are some things that I rather not remember. There's no use of remembering them anyway. I didn't regret making that decision during my first year. Not then and not now. I have understand and I am moving on. Thank you for everything but things will change. I will be a changed person.

Third day

Sleeping. That is my favorite past time. I was sick when I was in matriculation. So, all I did was sleep and sleep. When I enter clinical years, all I wanted to do was sleep because my dreams was so much more pleasant than reality. Those stress made me feel like I was much better off asleep rather than dealing with the difficulty in real life. Real life sucked at that time. During that dark period, the chance to be able to sleep is like a drug which I was addicting. I was a sleep addict. Whenever I get the chance to sleep, I will sleep for hours. I didn't want to wake up. Sometimes, I get confused whether my dreams were reality or the other way round. It was bad. It was very bad. I knew I had depression. Maybe my personality who likes to overanalyze things causes me to have had that depression. But that was my personality. It is hard to change. I am not a changed person. I am still the same person who likes to sleep a lot when the world seems like the worst place to be. But I am trying to fight that feeling of wanting to sleep because I couldn't bear liking my dreams more than reality again.
My head is literally splitting. Yes, its true. I have a gutter in the midline of my forehead which is getting deeper and deeper. It seems more prominent when I got back here. Maybe, when I think a lot, my brain expands and causes the suture in my skull to be stretched and causing the gutter. Hahaha. It's not aesthetic and I think it's hideous. But only one or two of my friends notice the gutter. Let's see what will happen to the gutter 30 days from now.
Today is the third day. I was glad to meet my Penasihat Akademik. He was so nice and understanding. It was like nothing happened and I'm just one of his students. Most people are understanding about the sitch(Kim Possible's version of situation) and treated us like nothing happened. It helped a lot rather than reminding us of how we were barred from taking the exams. Thanks to all those people who supports us.

Second day

Had mixed emotion for the second day of remedial. Well, I think all the eagerness to be a remedial student is starting to be wash away by the weird and uncomfortable environment of the school. It was also partially my fault actually for being unable to communicate with people effectively. I blame my slow brain and lack of efficiency mouth for being incoherent when I try to have a conversation. I stutter a lot and my brain cannot find the correct words and also my voice has uncontrollable frequency and altitude making me feel like an idiot when talking to another person. I try to be kind and thoughtful to people but end up making myself look like an ass.
I don't hate lab staffs but I really really hate lab works. So messy and makes my hands feel dry. I already lost count on how many times I get cuts by making study models. I really really REALLY HATE lab works. I wasn't very friendly with other people. I am not a person who talks much nor listen to others much. I am not the kind to strike a conversation with an unknown person. Usually, I only talk to express myself rather than talk about other people. Sounds like I'm a self-centered person isn' it?
I have a lot of complaining today, haven't I?Hmmmm..
I don't know since when I have lost my wit. Back then, I easily turn something troubling into something amusing. But, it seems that I have lost that character of me. I want to be the me back then when I frown less and smile a lot. I miss the me back then. All this stress makes me lose myself. I guess it is impossible for me to be like the me back then. I need to improve the me now so that I can frown less and smile a lot again. I cannot do anything about the environment because I need to be here to get my wishes to come true. The easiest way is to run away but that was the option I chose that caused me six months worth of remedial session. That will be a disaster and we don't want that, do we.
I think I have limited life-span of excitedness. I get really excited doing new things initially but the feeling become more and more dull each hour. How am I suppose to sustain my excitedness and eagerness from being thawed by the boring environment? What type of fence should I use to contain these wonderful feelings so they won't get away? Please enlighten me..
Tomorrow will be a new day. So, I can start all over again and do my best to follow all His rules. That is definitely the best way to cope. No one understands better than He does. Not even me understand my own self. But He does. InsyaAllah, everything will get better. I will be smiling tomorrow for crying today. I will smile tomorrow. I WILL!!

First day..again..

Today is my first day of my six month remedial session. What can I say about it. Well, I was actually excited to enter this new semester when I was still at home. Having my parents and family by my side, I felt that I really got that strength to start and finish this session. And when I arrived to my hostel yesterday, I was still excited and full of life too. But today, when my foot enter the school my excitedness started to leak out from my heart and felt that my strength was almost dried out. I hope, it is not empty yet and I can fill the emptiness with something else other than depression. It won't be an easy journey, but I believe it will be filled with experiences which I won't ever exchange with anything.
We were supposed to start our clinic session this morning, but we haven't received our schedule yet. So, Dr.Shaiful cancelled our morning clinic session. Dr.Aida is supposed to supervise our evening session, but unfortunately all of us were not yet ready for the clinic session for variety of reasons. One, we only packed our instruments and handpieces just now and it will be quite impossible for us to get them before the clinic starts. Number two, contacting patients in the last minutes will be so bothersome both to the patient and us even though two of us has patients who are willing to come. Three, we are not used to the new chair installed in the polyclinics. They are so high tech and they even got timer. I find it amusing to have timer in the chair. I think, Dr. Fadhli (our beloved TDA) insisted on having timer because we said we did not have enough time to get our supervisors' signature after clinic sessions. So, now we couldn't use that as an excuse anymore. Hahaha~
I really have trouble communicating with people I am not close with. I just couldn't find out why I am like that. And oh, Dr.Jelin (LOL!!!) came to say hi to me this morning. He graduated last semester and posted in HUSM. We talked a bit. He has a very low voice that I figuratively could hear a melancholic melody playing in the background. I wasn't sad talking to him, and we talked about funny things and we laughed. But, I in my mind, our conversation and the mood did not match. Hahahaha~
I already miss my parents. It has been only one day and I'm already missing them. I had a four month long vacation and I think it is normal. I guess all of us have the same feeling. Guess what? We have a week long convocation holiday next week. We just arrived here, and I did not expect to have another holiday. I did not want to go home at first because there will be no one at home. I made a plan to go to Mixa2's house and Alia's when my parents are away. but I'll return home when they come back from Sabah next Sunday. Oh yes, Izzati's wedding is this Saturday. I really wanted to attend her wedding. My bestfriend is getting married and I couldn't attend her wedding. huhu..I hope I can figure something out soon.